mom

 

I never write here.

I think it's because I've always felt so awkward about it. I don't feel like I deserve to. Like what the fuck do I have to offer lol.

                    Don't feel the need to share. Don't raise my hand in class. Don't call the people I love.\

I'll do it. 

Anyway.  

    I fucking hate my mom sometimes. I went home last weekend for Joever's sister's engagement party. 

My mom didn't know I was coming home with pierced ears. I was so afraid to tell her. Partly because she scares me but partly because I knew the needle would run straight through my ear and into her cobwebby little heart. I don't know why I care about her feelings so much. It's not like she's ever cared about mine. Thanks to her I have no sense of the sticky enterprise called love. I've got no fucking capital lol. I know i have it in me, there's something in me that craves so bad to be sensitive but just the thought of vulnerability makes me break down entirely. I want to be able to show my lover that I'm here for his darkness and brightness and foggyness but my mom never told me about the weather. I had no one there for me when it was time to get ready for school or time to brush my teeth or time to renounce the monsters under my bed. She probably didn't know my favorite color or my favorite food. I ask her what she remembers about me as a child and all she can say is that I was quiet. Yea of course I was quiet I fucking hated her. 

When I finally told her that I pierced my ears she couldn't even look at me. She yelled at me for like twenty seconds and then pretended like nothing happened the rest of the day. I genuinely wanted her to be mad at me. Show me SOMETHING. Be fucking vulnerable for Once. Show me your actual face you charlatin. I love you but you constantly seek to fool me. I cant trust you or anyone. When I try to peel off the mask you snarl and bark like a sad sad dog who has no one to love.